The Child That Was Never Mine

This letter came to Adoptions With Love from a birthmother who placed her baby for adoption.  She describes her thought process in detail and the loving choice of adoption that she knows is the right decision for her.  With her permission, it is being shared.  Names have been changed.

Looking back on my life, I have been faced with my fair share of difficult decisions. I never knew I could impact so many people with a choice until I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I had a very serious matter on my hands, but after a short internal struggle I was able to look at the big picture, and my decision was easy.  I was uncertain what to do, but I had to come up with a plan for the future of this child.  I choose adoption because the time was not right for me to have and raise a child alone, my Christian beliefs and it seemed the best option for all involved parties.

I did not know my life would change forever when in October 2013 I met a guy online. We hit it off instantly.  When we were together we were all smiles and we were very happy.  We rode those happy times without a care in the world.  Until I found out I was pregnant.

Winter was approaching.  I began experiencing morning sickness and immediately I knew before the two tests I took, that I had conceived.  I saw my doctor and he confirmed I was in fact with child.  A flood of emotions filled my heart but I did not feel a single bit of happiness.  At twenty nine years old I was the mother of a three year old, twice divorced and pregnant by a near stranger.  When I told him, my sadness deepened when he suggested an abortion.  He also had a three year old and was going through a divorce and he did not want any more children.  He researched abortion and initially convinced me to go ahead with the procedure.  I made arrangements for the following week but I called to cancel my appointment on the morning I was scheduled to go in.

I was raised Christian and although I did not always practice good Christian ways I considered myself of strong faith and morals.  I believe that every life is precious and that the Lord never makes mistakes.  Wanting to be at peace with myself I decided against abortion which solved a moral dilemma while leaving me uncertain about a very real situation.

He understood my issues with abortion and he himself was of Christian faith but remained extremely worried about what he considered to be “a problem.” One day he called and told me that a neighbor of his adopted a child.  I was immediately drawn to the idea.  I contacted Adoptions With Love.  I was now 8 weeks along.

Through the agency, I learned the ins and outs of adoption.  When I was told Adoptions With Love worked with people that could not conceive, my decision to create an adoption plan was made.  I had been blessed with the greatest gift, a blessing some could not experience.  My pregnancy was no longer a mistake.  I felt as if I had been chosen, as if this was my purpose.

The agency began to show me profiles of potential families.  For one reason or another I did not feel any of them were right for this child until I came across Robert and Meredith.  I knew in my heart when I read their biographies that they were the ones.  We shared the same interest, hobbies, values and most important our religious beliefs.  I explained to them later that “it was a mixture of faith and fate that led me to them.”

Months passed and we all planned for the baby’s arrival.  Twelve days before my due date I woke with labor pains.   Off to the hospital I went and with my mother by my side I gave birth to a healthy baby boy at 3:39 in the afternoon.  Naturally I was exhausted so my mother called the social worker at the agency and told her “the eagle has landed!”  He was beautiful.  I held him in my arms and smiled down at him, he was very special.  This tiny baby was truly a blessing, just not intended for his father or me.  I never actually considered myself his mother.  I was his grower. Enlisted with a job, an amazing opportunity, and I was elated to do it. I was responsible for something wonderful and I loved him before I ever met him.

Several hours after he was born his parents arrived.  The four of us sat in my room chatting, sharing stories and getting to know each other.  We formed a remarkable bond that we will share forever.  There was so much love in that room on that hot June afternoon.  I looked at the newly formed family with such pride.  My heart was again filled with so many emotions, but this time I felt no regret or sorrow.  As his birth mother I had the legal right to name him, but I left that honor to his parents.

The day Evan was born he and I drastically changed five lives!  His birth father and I passed our blessing to two truly deserving people.  These two people would raise him with love, kindness and morals.  As a result that little boy was going to do big things.

I signed the adoption papers four days later on my thirtieth birthday.  I shed so many tears that day.  It was and most likely will be the happiest cry I will ever experience.   Although we did not intend to create a child together, Evan is our greatest gift.  When I receive the pictures and updates about him, I know all is as it was meant to be.  My decision to carry a child for nine months for two very special people was the best, easiest choice I have ever made.