Navigating Relationships Between Adoptive Parents and Birth Parents

Navigating a modern adoption can be complicated. Gone are the days of secretive, closed adoptions. While expectant/birth parent can choose any adoption plan that best meets their needs and wishes, it is common for that plan to be an open one. Most adoptions today are open adoptions. Open adoption can look different for each family, it means there is ongoing direct contact between adoptive parents and birth parents.

If you are considering adopting a child, or you are pregnant and considering placing your child for adoption, continue reading. In this guide, we will highlight the importance of open adoption and how both adoptive parents and birth parents can navigate this unique relationship.

Should We Become Friends?

The relationship between adoptive parents and birth parents is as unique as any other relationship you may have. What works for you may not work for the adoptive family down the road. There are many variables for birth and adoptive families who come together for an open adoption. Building a friendship can bring many benefits, but it is a delicate situation to navigate. Just like any relationship, there can be challenges that arise along the way. Here we will explore the benefits and risks that come along with the relationship between adoptive parents and birth parents.

The Benefits of Open Adoption

Open adoption brings many benefits for everyone involved – including the birth parents and adoptive parents. For a birth mother, having an ongoing relationship with her child’s adoptive parents can help her feel more connected to her child. It can be a frequent reminder that her child is with a family she can trust. It can also be incredibly rewarding to watch that child grow up in a happy, healthy, and stable home full of love and opportunity. With open adoption, birth parents get a front-row seat at the “better life” they have selflessly chosen for their child. The rewards feel like they come back ten-fold. The most beautiful part: These rewards are often felt early in the open adoption journey.

A solid foundation is beneficial for adoptive parents, as well. An ongoing relationship with birth parents can serve as a direct source for information, including medical history and cultural background. This can help give a child a strong sense of self-identity. Building a friendship between adoptive parents and birth parents helps the adoptive family better share their child’s story with respect to the birth family.

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The Challenges of Open Adoption

The open adoption relationship is not without its challenges. Some parents may feel letdown if the other parents withdraw from the relationship over time. Other sets of families may gradually grow distant over time, as they get caught up in their own busy lives. Like any relationship, this bond requires commitment and ongoing work.

Open adoption relationships tend to evolve over time. If both parties are willing to put in the effort, and continue to have meaningful conversations, the changes can be positive as the child grows and develops.

Another common challenge for those in open adoption relationships is potential feelings of insecurity. Adoptive parents may, at times, wonder ‘Does my adopted child love their birth parent(s) more than me?’ While birth parents may ask themselves, ‘Does my child resent me for choosing adoption?’

These questions are normal, but it is important to remember that this dynamic is special. You each bring something special to the table that no one else can provide. You may be the adoptive parent that your child clings to at bedtime, or you may be the birth parent that shares the same sense of humor with your child. It can help to remember that you each hold a special place in your child’s heart, and more love in your child’s life is positive. Overcoming these challenges can add to the incredible bond you are working so hard to build.

5 Tips for a Positive Open Adoption Relationship

Building a deep and meaningful adoptive parent and birth parent relationship can have its challenges, but the effort is well worth it. Your child’s happiness can be a strong motivator, but the benefits for birth parents and adoptive parents can also be a great incentive. It is important to find ways to work together and build the bond as parents. Here are some tips that can help:

Start early. Birth parents can choose their child’s adoptive parents. At a supportive adoption agency, like Adoptions With Love, expectant/birth parents can also speak with – or meet –the potential family for their child. Take this opportunity to get to know one another before the baby’s arrival, if possible. This can help build a foundation based on mutual respect and understanding before the baby is born.

Set and respect boundaries. You know your comfort level. If you are a birth parent who does not want the adoptive parents in the delivery room, then express this concern. If you are an adoptive parent who does not want your child’s birth parent to have the ability to send you text messages any time of day, then let this be known. Your adoption agency can work with both parties to find common ground and arrange an open adoption that makes everyone feel comfortable. Do your best to respect and understand your limits, as well as the limits set by the other party. A healthy relationship will have boundaries with which everyone is comfortable.

Be open and honest. Open adoption is all about ongoing communication. “Be yourself” may sound like a corny piece of advice, but it is genuinely going to help you build that adoptive parent and birth parent relationship. If something is bothering you, express it – either directly to the other party or your adoption agency. Being upfront about your needs, concerns, and wishes is the best approach.

Keep your promises. If you agree to meet one another in person once a year, then keep that commitment. If you agree to have phone calls four times a year, stick to it as best you can. Upholding your end of the agreement is key to a consistent, strong relationship.

When in doubt, talk it out. Your adoption agency should be a sounding board for hiccups that may arise in your open adoption relationship. If you are feeling neglected or stressed about anything regarding the open adoption, contact your adoption agency. This professional can help guide you and work with you toward a solution.

Learn More About Open Adoption

With an open adoption, you are never alone. Your adoption agency offers resources and guidance throughout the adoption process – which is a lifelong journey. You will likely have questions along the way. Contact Adoptions With Love 24/7 for support. Call 800-722-7731 or contact us online. We can help you build a deep and meaningful bond in your child’s open adoption for years to come.